This is me

did a self reflection and realized how much i've changed from primary to secondary school and from secondary school till now. was totally a different person in terms of how behave throughout my 10 years and counting of education.

was a digusting bitch back in primary school. was so arrogant. i don't care about my friends' feelings. i act like a big shot. can i call myself an ah lian? because i think i qualify to be one. i hurl vulgarities for the fun of it. actually i was pretty two face too... i behave myself infront of my teachers and parents that's why no one other than my primary friends know how much of a disgusting bitch i was.

then in secondary school, told myself i want to change. no more vulgarities, no more ignoring of others' feelings. behaved myself throughout the 4 years, studied when i'm supposed to, gave my best even though my best couldn't get me far/wasn't enough. i was super duper timid and i only do things within my comfort zone. i never stepped out of it, alone. i've never done things alone - taking bus home/to school, buying food during recess, going toilet and studying - until i was in sec 4.

everyone in secondary school portrayed me as "guai" in a way that i feel...cornered. keep having this mentality that i must keep up with the "picture" of myself paint by others. not that vulgarities was a need. but honestly, i think this is not me. i'm living too carefully, fearing those judgements and gossips etc. when can i start being myself? there's so many things i wna try doing or experience but there will surely be someone out there going "omg, she have changed so much" / "she wasn't like this" / "didn't know she was such a girl" / "wah, you serious?!" etc. ok, i sound like i wna try sniffing glue or taking drugs but no. not those.

can you feel me? i feel so tied down. i'm already 17. seeing how others are living their life while i'm here just letting my life pass by really make me feel like an idiot. seriously, can y'all not think i'm the girl who only know how to study, come home early and don't speak any vulgarities at all? i do. only with my sisters and not any of my friends because of the picture of me that they have already painted in their head. let's talk about living up to others' impression of me................

i didn't change, i merely grew up. i want to try living my own life. afterall, i am the director of my life. no one tells me how i should behave or restricts me. except my parents. i'm old enough to think for myself and yes, i know what i'm doing. i know my limits, i know where i stand, i won't go over the line.