Inferiority at its best

this post consist of bitch rants and only bitch rants.

sometimes i wish i wasn't this competitive. then i wouldn't have to feel this way about myself. now it's just doubts and more doubts. also wish i didn't have to try so hard to keep up with others or to even beat them in terms of academic. that's just me, always wanting to be ahead of others and hates losing. initially i thought scoring 3.42 is good enough but after comparing it with my close friends, i'm far off. they are scoring 3.6, 3.7, 3.9 and even 4.0! sigh, wish i was smarter, wish i didn't took up a part time job. sucks to always live in regret and thinking of all the could-have-been(s). afterall, life's too short for them all. full force study mode next sem, my turn to take flight. it's easier said than done though, pretty sure i can't make it. anyways, wish there's more to life instead of it just being about education and grades. can't i just travel around the world to meet new people and getting to know of their culture/way of life? surely that's more interesting than what i study in school.

and another thing. friends. feel so disappointed/pissed off. what do they treat me as? a substitute? an option? oh please, don't come to me when you're feeling lonely because i'm not there to keep you entertained or feel loved/appreciated. sound like a bitch but everytime i get that kind of treatment i swear i feel like blowing up into pieces. how can anyone be so insensitive and selfish? spare a thought for me because surely, life isn't all about you yourself. you have feelings so have others. if you can't do it, get lost - i don't see a need for us to be friends. that's how selective i am. people leave when they find someone new and i'm so damn sick of this cycle. so glad i don't (and won't ever) hold anyone back when they leaves. maybe it's because i have my (huge) pride and ego to keep. but really, if you can walk away, it only shows that you're not worth keeping. kthxbye.